Buffy explained to her class of two the important things to remember when learning self-defense. The body can and will move in ways that a person would never think imaginable, once it learned what to do. She slowly walked them through a shortened version of her Tai Chi routine.
"Why we learnin' all this slow stuff, Buffy? I want to be able to slap a heap of whup ass on someone." Lula complained when they finished.
"Ah, grasshopper, first you must learn to crawl before you can walk." Buffy bowed to the large black woman, giving her best impression of the teacher from Kung Fu.
"That is very true, Lula. Wouldn't want you and Cupcake to hurt anything you might need later." Joe stood just inside the warehouse leaning against the wall. His eyes heated to a smoldering look that made Lula fan herself. Stephanie felt it all the down her spine to her very center. This was exactly what Joe intended.
"Since, you have my students all flustered, how about volunteering to be my sparing partner? It would help if they could watch, then I can break down all of the steps for them." Buffy gave Joe her best puppy dog look. When he didn't respond immediately, her lower lip fell into her signature pout.
Joe looked at those eyes then the lip which began to tremble ever so slightly and knew he was in trouble. "Sure thing, Buffy, just let me take my shoes and jacket off." He quickly removed said items, including his gun holster, and handed them to Stephanie.
Stephanie watched the much larger man who was her lover step up to Buffy. If it were any other woman, she would have felt the first pangs of jealousy. The mischievous look Buffy gave her let her know that her pretty little cousin had no designs on her man, but planned to give him a lesson he wouldn't soon forget.
Buffy turned her back to her opponent, waiting for him to make the first move. She didn't have to wait long; before he could grab her from behind Buffy dropped low to sweep his feet out from under him. Joe hit the mat with a loud "OOMPH." He took the hand that was offered to him and tried to pull her down beside him, but she didn't budge. Buffy gave him a saucy grin, then pulled him to his feet. She took up her stance once more then waved him forward with her best Bruce Lee impression.
Stephanie and Lula watched wide-eyed and open mouthed while the little blonde proceeded for the next half hour to throw the cop around like a rag doll. They looked at each other when Buffy walked over to pull out a bottle of water for herself then threw one to Joe who remained flat on his back breathing heavily.
Lula finally couldn't stop herself from asking what the others wanted to know as well. "Uh, Buffy, how are you able to do all that kung fu mojo on Joe. He's a police officer and I know that he knows how to handle himself. I mean he ain't no Batman - but he ain't a slouch, neither."
"Thanks a lot Lula, I love you too." Joe groused, at Stephanie's big woman best friend.
"You know what I mean Morelli. Don't you want to know how a little girl who ain't bigger than a minute just kicked your ass, without even breakin' a sweat?"
They all turned to look at Buffy with expectant faces. Buffy wiped her face off then sighed. "I have been studying for a long time now, not to mention dance and gymnastics. My old boyfriend taught me how to do Tai Chi, so I use that, plus a lot of yoga and meditation techniques learned from my last sensei." She grinned wondering what Giles would think about being called a sensei. It was true nonetheless; he was her sensei, master teacher. "As far as Joe being bigger than me - that doesn't matter in martial arts. It is all about pressure points and leverage. I can use your own strength against you and it looks like I am doing all the work, but the truth is that my opponent is their own worst enemy." Of course, she didn't explain that the reason this was all true was due to her Slayerness, it was to a certain degree but a lot of it was Buffy. She used her whole body when she slayed or defended herself. Using her head while she fought was something that her friends and even Watcher didn't recognize about Buffy. She took in each and every sound, sight, even smell when she fought. It could change the outcome of a fight on the turn of a leaf, the rattle of a gate, any and everything was used to decide the psyche of her enemy, and use it against them.
"Lula, you and Steph come here and face each other." They did as she asked and Buffy walked them through the steps of deflected, administering then changing the momentum of a forward strike blow. After only a few tries, Stephanie then Lula took turns blocking each other then pulling their opponent off balance. Joe stepped back to lean against a wall in order to have a better view of his girlfriend's attempts to take down her friend who outweighed her by almost a hundred pounds. He was impressed to see that Buffy's simple explanations and examples worked for the two women that he never saw as being involved in self-defense, much less as having a tiny blonde as their instructor.
After their workout, Stephanie dropped Buffy off at her apartment. She took a shower, then sat down in front of a laptop that connected her directly to Willow. There were no LAN lines or DSL connections, just a healthy dose of magics. The friends knew they wanted to stay in touch without anyone being able to trace them. Buffy started to type in her questions.
SLAYGAL: Hey Witchiepoo, how are things in the land of tea and crumpets?
WITCHIEPOO: Good, we located five more girls. The new HQ is coming a long. How is family life? Are they nice?
SLAYGAL: Their great, you are typing to a brand new Bond Enforcement Agent. Guess that test from school was right. Need some help to take care of a family problem.
WITCHIEPOO: Happy for you, it sounds like the perfect job. You still get to do what you are good at just take out a different type of baddies. What can I do to help?
SLAYGAL: Here's what I need...
WITCHIEPOO: Sound like fun, tell me when and where and I'll send you what you need. You will need to pick up a few things first. You can find all of this here...
SLAYGAL: Knew you would know what I was looking for, should have known you would know exactly where to find what I need. Use your imagination, think a combination of Veruca and Cordelia and you'll get the idea. Think of it as the ultimate payback. Thought we could teach this one a lesson she'll never forget.
WITCHIEPOO: This is a dream come true.
SLAYGAL: I'll call you when I know she's home and can't go anywhere.
WITCHIEPOO: Would you like to watch?
SLAYGAL: Of course, what's the fun of doing it if we don't get to see her face while it's happening.
WITCHIEPOO: Trenton must be good for you. Sounds like my Buffy is back, gotta go Giles is calling.
SLAYGAL: Chat ya later.
Putting the laptop away then turning the latch on the case causing it to fade out of sight. Unless they knew that it was there, no one could find it. Buffy padded into the kitchen to grab a pint of White Chocolate with Almonds ice cream then made herself comfortable on the couch. She picked up the phone to call Lula.
"Big, black and beautiful speaking loud and proud."
"Hey Lula, do you know where Rocket Girl is?"
Lula snorted at Buffy's nickname for Joyce. "Yeah, Jackie just called to say that Joyce just walked into the Cut 'N Curl at the mall. She is waiting to get an appointment. Jackie is having a pretzel while she waits. I told her that you said that you would payback all her expenses like you told me."
"Do you know anyone that works there? I need a couple of hours to set everything up then I'll give you a call. You and Stephanie can pick me up at the Stop N Shop that's a few blocks over. Do you know where it is?"
"Sure do, but what if she doesn't go straight home?"
"I have a feeling that they are going to have a hard time getting all that tar out of her hair, don't you? It would be a shame to have to cut off all that dry frazzled hair, now wouldn't it."
Lula and Buffy had twin smiles on their faces when they hung up the phone.
Buffy took a taxi to the stores that Willow told her about then dropped her off several block away from Joyce's house. Jogging down the street, she jumped over the fence to land silently in the backyard. She pulled a small black box out of her pocket then applied it to the sliding glass door. Several minutes later, she heard the alarm shut off. Buffy sprinkled a blue powder over the handle then chanted a simple spell.
Let this door open to me
Let me enter but none shall see
Willow taught Buffy some very basic magic that anyone with mystical power could perform. She easily pulled the door open then shut it behind her. Buffy walked through the house then went back to the living room. She pulled out her cell phone and called Willow.
"Hey Willow, I'm in. Gotta tell you that fairy dust is way cool. It will really come in handy. No, I don't want to learn any more spells. The ones that you taught me are enough mojo for me. I am not a party pooper. You are Witchiepoo and I'm Slaygal that is plenty enough for me. I'm standing in the living room, now what do I do?"
Willow grinned at Buffy. She could see the pout on her best friend's face clear as day. "Quit pouting. Close your eyes and picture the house in your mind. Once you have it just push it out to me. Think of it as if you are smacking a vamp."
Buffy closed her eyes then centered herself. She took in steady slow breaths then walked back through the house in her mind. A deep breath escaped her lips and with it the images of the house. She could feel Willow grab it like the brass ring on a carousel.
The red headed witch took the images Buffy sent her then smiled when she saw what else Buffy pictured in her mind. This was going to be so much fun. Her best friend sent her a picture of all the things this hussy did to Buffy cousin. Willow went to lock her bedroom door, not wanting even Kennedy to disturb her for the next half hour.
She spread a circle of red salt on the floor then lit a red candle. Her pale white hands created circles with the smoke that wafted upward. She pulled on her connection with the Earth then began to chant in Latin.
Ma'at I call on you to provide justice to one who has known none
May your judgment show her the error of her ways
Let her feel and see every act that she has done
Let her know fear and sorrow
Let her feel your wrath
So let it be
The candle went out, but not before the smoke formed a scale tipped to the right showing that the Goddess of Justice had accepted the request and would levy a proper sentence on the guilty party.
Willow blew out the candle then meticulously swept up the salt. Once she was sure there was no trace of magic remained, she called Buffy.
"It's all set. When she gets there, it should take place pretty quick. You need to leave exactly the way that you entered. Once she is inside just turn on the monitor and you will have a front row seat. Be sure and record everything, I can't wait to see how this all turns out." Willow giggled thinking about the woman's reaction to everything that was about to happen to her.
A backdoor slid open then a small figure stepped outside locking the door behind them. A strange black box reset the alarm. The figure picked up a small bag then quietly jumped the back fence. A self-satisfied smile crossed full pink lips. Buffy called Lula to come and pick her up. She saw a red Firebird speeding down the street with a loud heavy bear of music blaring. The car came to a screeching halt next to her feet. Buffy couldn't stop the laughter from bubbling out.
Lula and Stephanie looked like an odd pair of jewel thieves. They were dressed in black from head to toe, even though it was only late afternoon. Since it was summer, the sun wouldn't go down for at least another hour. Stephanie hopped out to allow Buffy to climb in the backseat.
A whopper deluxe meal sat on the seat next to her. Buffy happily dove into the food. She found being stealthy made her almost as hungry as slaying. She wondered if Willow felt the same after doing magic and made a mental note to ask her.
"Hey guys, how long do we have until Joyce is home?" She asked in between devouring her food.
"Jackie called and said that Joyce just ran out of the salon." Lula gave a deep hearty laugh. "She said that Joyce looked like a shaved poodle. There was only about an inch or so of hair left on her head. Jackie didn't figure that she would be going anywhere but home. She didn't follow her cuz she was laughing so hard she almost pee'd her pants. By the time she got back from the bathroom Joyce was gone."
"That's cool. After I finish eating we can go watch her house. Just park a few houses back and we'll be fine. Thanks for the food, I was starving. Steph, I have a few surprises for you."
Stephanie turned in her seat to look at her cousin. Her large blue eyes sparkled with excitement. She couldn't believe that she was going to finally payback Joyce for everything she'd don't to her over the years.
Lula parked several houses back from Joyce's house. The trio waited roughly twenty minutes before a green SUV pulled into the driveway. Stephanie spent that time trying to convince Buffy to tell her about the surprises but the blonde just gave her a sly grin.
"I'll never tell," she crooned. "Look at her hair. It was a good thing that she decided to steal that FTA. This time it bit her in the butt."
They watched Joyce open her car door then peak out to see if anyone was around. She jumped out of her car then sprinted into her house. They looked at one another then cracked up laughing.
Lula rubbed her hands together. "I sure wish we had a way to see what's going on in that house."
Buffy touched Stephanie's shoulder. "Let me out, I have one more thing to take care of."
Stephanie watched Buffy pull something out of her bag but it disappeared before she could see what it was. She climbed back in the car then her and Lula watched Buffy stroll down the street without a care in the world. Buffy quickly moved around the green SUV. She knelt down beside each tire until she made her way completely around the car. She stood up then brushed off her jeans and strolled back to the car.
"What did you do to the tires? I didn't see them go flat." Stephanie asked as she let Buffy back into the car.
"It's all part of the show. Now, for the first surprise." She pulled out a Blackberry then handed an adapter to Lula. "Could you plug that into the lighter?"
Lula did as she was asked. Buffy leaned forward to place the device on the console so they could all watch.
Joyce made her way into her bedroom to undress. She planned on taking a nice long bubble bath. Afterward, she would figure out where she could buy a wig until her hair grew out. She turned to her dresser to take off her jewelry then stopped cold.
The face in the mirror wasn't hers. It was that of a wrinkled old woman. Her hands shook as they came up to touch her skin, which still felt smooth. A deep sigh escaped her lips. Joyce placed her rings and watch on the dressed but when she turned to head towards the bathroom something else caught her eye. The mirror above the dresser had GET OUT in a red dripping liquid.
She ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. "There must have been something in that stuff they used to get the tar out of my hair."
Lula's car rocked from the laughter of the three women inside. "How'd you get her mirror to do that?"
"Know someone who is good at special effects and they helped me out. Wait till you see what is going to happen next."
Joyce ran a bubble bath then slid in the tub. Her eyes closed while her body relaxed under the warm water and scented bubbles. They flew open when she felt something deep in her womb that was clawing its way out. Afraid to know what was happening and even more afraid not to, she touched her stomach to find it rounded and tight. Her hands touched her center and felt something protruding from her vagina. She grabbed onto the object and pulled. There in front of her eyes was a puppy. It looked at her with large brown eyes then whined "Momma."
She threw it away from her only to watch it disappear into thin air. Joyce jumped out of the tub and quickly dried off. She had to get out of her house. She wasn't sure what was going on but knew that she didn't want to be alone. Walking over to her closet, she pulled out a pair of black slacks and a cream blouse. Joyce went to retrieve her jewelry but forgot all about it when she saw herself in the mirror. She was blue. The only thing that wasn't colored a robin's egg blue was the shorn red hair. A loud scream tore from her lips. She rushed back into the bathroom to grab a jar of cold cream but nothing seemed to work.
A deep eerie voice boomed through the house. "GET OUT." Joyce was way beyond scared. She headed for the front door; all she wanted to do was get out of her house. When she walked into the living room, the dining room table began to buck and shake. "You are evil. Now you will feel everything that you have made others suffer." This time the voice was a gravely whisper.
Joyce ran out of her house not caring who saw her; all she wanted was out of that house. She jumped into her car and dropped it into reverse gunning the engine. What happened next sent Joyce over the edge. All four tires fell off at the same time. She put her head down on the steering wheel causing the horn to honk. She pulled out her cell phone to call a cab without a clue as to where she was headed.
Lula and Stephanie were laughing so hard they were crying. They turned to look at Buffy with twin looks of hero worship.
Buffy grinned at them. "Wait it isn't over yet. I have one more little trick up my sleeve. This send her out of town with her tail between her legs." She took the Blackberry and started typing. Once she pushed execute, the smile on her face made the other two women glad that she was on their side.
Ten minutes later, they heard police sirens. The cruisers passed them going no less than fifty. Right behind them no less than four television vans in close pursuit. They pulled up to Joyce's house. A police officer tapped on the window of Joyce's car. She looked up like a dear in the headlights. The reporters were already setting up to do a live feed.
"Miss, I need you to step out of the car. Keep your hands in front of you."
"I haven't done anything. Why are you harassing me at my own home?" Joyce didn't want to get out of her car, especially with cameras to take her very blue pictures.
"If you don't step out of the car on your own, I will have to remove you by force." The police officer pulled out his nightstick and tapped it on the window to let her know that he meant business.
Joyce reluctantly got out of her car while she tried to hide behind the officer. "What did I do? Why are you here? I am having a really bad day officer." She fluttered her lashes at him while she pushed her blue breasts out at him.
"We got a report that there was dangerous person her who was acting irrational. From what I see, you can either come with me down to the station or have the resident psychologist talk to you or I take you straight to Shady Oaks."
"Shady Oaks! I am not crazy. Someone is doing this to me. They left a threat on my mirror, turned me blue, gave birth to a puppy, my dining room table threatened me, and then all the tires fell off of my car." Joyce screeched at him.
He calmly put her in handcuffs then escorted her to the cruiser. Reporters crowded around her in an effort to get the details of the story.
Inside Lula's car, they looked at Buffy with awe. "What did you do to get the cops here?" Stephanie asked in confusion.
"Not much just sent out a 911 that a dangerous looking person was acting strange and that I was afraid that they might hurt someone."
"Girlfriend ,remind me to never piss you off. But, if I ever need someone taken care of, I sure know where to go."
"How about we go to Pino's all this drama made me hungry."
Two heads nodded in agreement. Lula pulled away and aimed her car towards the pizza place.
"Oh, Stephanie, the final prezzies I have for you is that I caught it all and will make you a tape. I don't think that Rocketgirl will be around Trenton much longer, do you." Buffy's eyes sparkled with mischief.